Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Bottom of the Wheel

From my Facebook: "I kinda believe that life is like a spinning wheel. Sometimes you are at the top of the wheel and things couldn't get better. Sometimes you are at the bottom of the wheel and no matter how hard you try, there's no forcing that wheel back up. Right now, I'm on the bottom and this freaking thing has a flat."

Spencer and I broke up two Mondays ago. It was sad and slightly expected. I still love the boy. I love him so much. We still live together and he thankfully is letting me use his vehicle and is still paying for almost everything at the house. I simply pay my half of rent. 

Even though he is paying for everything house related- he isn't paying for groceries any more. He isn't paying for my phone or my gas. He isn't paying for my expenses. This is really hard and different for me. He's always been there for me financially and with support. I'm having a difficult time trying to keep my finances together to make sure that I don't run out of gas and to make sure that I eat at least two meals a day. 

 Then, my mother told me that our tuition is too much money. They can't afford it. That I have to pay it if I want to continue with school. This comes with perfect timing. I mean that, of course, in the most ironic and sarcastic way possible. After gas, rent, and groceries (cheese, turkey, and cat food) I had twenty dollars to save. Twenty dollars. Not enough to even pay for half of half of half of a payment. I still have to pay my phone bill and more gas.

I'm twenty one! I'm supposed to be living it up! Y'know? Supposed to be drinking, celebrating life, having fun! Nope. Nope. Nope. Let's also add in the fact that I woke up with a fever again and my throat pain is NOT going away which automatically makes me want to say that it is strep throat. :( The illness of my life! I don't have money to go to the doctor so I guess I'll... I don't know. There really isn't anything I can do. I'll have to let it go until it for sure is something that won't go away.
 I had been spending time with this guy from work. He was very nice and fun to be around. But he automatically assumes that if I don't talk to him when he tries to contact me, that I am back with Spencer. He doesn't care that I'm sick. He freaked out on me because I didn't answer his phone call when my mother was talking to be about school. He ignored me all night and finally texted me around noon today. It truly sickens me- his behavior. How immature and rude. My life is falling apart and he's concerned about himself.
 So, I won't be going to school next semester. Hopefully I can find a well-paying job in the meantime. I need to get the hell away from Mazzio's. I don't get paid that well and they expect way more out of me than is reasonable for my pay. When the girl who sits on the bench when she is bored gets paid the same as me, there is something wrong.

I feel unappreciated. I feel as if I try really hard to make other people happy and yet I get nothing out of it. I try to help others out and be friendly and listen and make an effort to show that somebody cares, but who cares about me? It's like that song-"I'm supergirl and I'm here to save the world, but I wanna know, who's gunna save me?"
 I'm trying so hard to be with Spencer. I love him so much. I try to talk to him and to cuddle with him and to be there for him. He doesn't seem to care. He says he cares. He says he wants to be with me, but I think overall he just pities me. I know he won't miss me when I'm living in the same place as him, but I want to be near him. I want him to be happy with me. I still believe that we are meant to be together. We will get married. We will have a family. We will grow old together. I love him darn it!
So, it seems like things are just falling downhill incredibly quickly. Life will surely look up soon, right? Only so many things can go bad. I don't know how to handle this. I want to be incredibly optimistic. I want to believe that this is my chance to truly prove myself. To show myself that I can and will work for my goal (not that I even know what the heck it is) and not necessarily need anyone's help. I feel like I'm on my own on this one and that's how it'll be. Lots to think about.


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