Excited and frightened. Frozen.

When I hung out with Kayla the other day, she said she would talk to her boss about me working there, also. Well, the boss, Carol, wants my resume! I am super excited, but also terrified. I am so afraid that I'll turn it in and she will decide that she doesn't want me. I am so thankful to Kayla for this. I definitely would not have the courage to ask Carol for employment, myself.

So, I just need to turn in the resume and Carol will set up an interview time with me for some time next week. I am kind of worried and scared and excited and frozen in fear.

Cyber Let-Down

I was kind of excited that I was going to actually not have to work ALL day and would be able to check out all my favorite online websites. But once I started looking around it looks like all the BEST deals happened on Black Friday and the Cyber Monday deals aren't half as good.

What a let down.

Wal-Greens does have their ten cent pictures again, so that is good. I'm in the process of putting together an order right now!

December Goals

I always get hyped up at the beginning of a month. I'm so excited to have a clean fresh slate ahead of me to fill in ways that I think are important! It's just so exciting! :) Here are the goals:

1. Take 'nutcracker' pictures w/Andrew
2. Watch Walk the Line
3. Watch Cloud Atlas
4. Make OSU blanket
5. Give Mackenzie her b-day gift
6. Get presents for everyone on X-mas list
7. Hang out with Ashton
8. Hang out with Kaywa
9. Workout at gym at least 12 times
10. Clean room
11. Read (at least) one book- The Kept Man
12. Update blog 12 times
13. Take 'mustache' pictures of people
14. Take 'fighting' pictures of people
15. Organize room
16. Decorate boxes of underwear 
17. Check on Nutcracker tickets for mom
18. Try two new dessert recipes

Pinning!

Pinterest is one of my favorite past times. I mean websites... :/

Anyway, I've been reading through a lot of blogging how-to's which has been making me want to make my blog serious. I don't know what my content focus would be on though so I may work on that.

In general I want to start writing more. Not necessarily blogging, but just in general. I think I need to use my brain more. I feel as if my literacy abilities are decreasing the longer I've been out of high school. November is coming up; which means the start of NaNoWriMo. This kind of excites me! Haha.

I also have my "21-year old" journal that I have six more months to fill up. I definitely need to work on filling that out!

Real Life Problems- When you like a guy, but don't want to be with him long-term.

You know, I don't ever see many bloggers talk about having difficulties with relationships. For the most part these bloggers already have long time committed boyfriends or fiancés or husbands. OR they are 'single and loving it.'

When I was younger, I thought it would be cool to have the affection of so many men. That being liked by tons of guys would be an amazing adventure. Granted, I am not liked by 'tons of guys' but I do have two guys going for my attention.

And I know who I want, I think. I know who I have loved for a looonng time. Does it make it any easier letting the other person go? Not at all. Especially when he is holding on sooo tightly AND I work with him.

So, I guess I feel like writing this post from here on as if it isn't me having this problem, but rather what I expect to see other bloggers writing about if they were to write about this.

Let's say you start dating a guy and you love how funny he is, you think his eyes are mesmerizingly gorgeous, and he makes you feel all tingly inside. You feel like you love him. But then, he doesn't ever want to have kids and he really likes watching porn. Both of which you strongly feel opposite of him. So, you let him know, "Hey, I really like you, but I think we need to go our separate ways." And he doesn't agree. He really loves you and to be honest you always think about him when you guys aren't together. You don't want to make him sad, but you are having trouble not leading him on.

Here's a couple tips to help each of you move on smoothly:

1. Absolutely make up your mind. Either you want him or you don't. Don't idle or try and cheat by wanting him in your life as a booty call because he already has deeper feelings than that. He can't be your best friend at this point either. If you guys are out together- you guys ARE together.
2. Don't get mixed up in his business. If you happen to know that he missed work three days in a row- do not call him and check on him. He has a momma and his own friends. Let them do the babying. He ISN'T YOURS TO TAKE CARE OF.
3. Resist the urge to talk about him to anyone. Don't tell your best friend that you miss him. Don't explain the cute thing he does with his hair. Don't talk bad about him, most importantly.
4. Stay away. Granted, if you work with him this is harder. Get bit by the superhardworker bug and suddenly start doing your work with amazing passion and focus. That's right, scrub those dishes until they squeak and sign those papers like they'll be laminated and enshrined for years to come.
5. Be productive. Move on with your life. There is always something you could be doing that will help better your life or the lives around you. Tell me when the need to wallow in bed and think about life together with your unwanted man beats walking a dog who's starved for attention? One makes nobody happy and the other makes two happy individuals.

Well, there's my list of tips. By following these simple guidelines, you'll be able to move on and he'll see that... eventually he'll move on too.

They had a book, I read a book.

The Power of Half is about a family who decides to take on a huge project to help those who are less fortunate.

They decide to sell their gorgeous giant home and give away half to 'charity'. The book was slow at some times but it was really neat to see how much they cared about the cause and how committed they were.

I would love to know how they are doing now.  The causes they gave to were all supposed to improve the lives of villages in Ghana over the course of five years.

I truly loved the lesson they learned about being hands off. The whole "give a man a fish and he eats for a day, teach a man to fish and he eats for life." They had to learn the hard way that they needed to provide a solution, not a fix. It was interesting to learn that many different groups come in and 'fix' things in Ghanian communities such as repainting the church six times in one summer or building wells that the citizens don't know how to repair. They are creating dependency.

Bottom of the Wheel

From my Facebook: "I kinda believe that life is like a spinning wheel. Sometimes you are at the top of the wheel and things couldn't get better. Sometimes you are at the bottom of the wheel and no matter how hard you try, there's no forcing that wheel back up. Right now, I'm on the bottom and this freaking thing has a flat."

 

Spencer and I broke up two Mondays ago. It was sad and slightly expected. I still love the boy. I love him so much. We still live together and he thankfully is letting me use his vehicle and is still paying for almost everything at the house. I simply pay my half of rent. 

Even though he is paying for everything house related- he isn't paying for groceries any more. He isn't paying for my phone or my gas. He isn't paying for my expenses. This is really hard and different for me. He's always been there for me financially and with support. I'm having a difficult time trying to keep my finances together to make sure that I don't run out of gas and to make sure that I eat at least two meals a day. 

 Then, my mother told me that our tuition is too much money. They can't afford it. That I have to pay it if I want to continue with school. This comes with perfect timing. I mean that, of course, in the most ironic and sarcastic way possible. After gas, rent, and groceries (cheese, turkey, and cat food) I had twenty dollars to save. Twenty dollars. Not enough to even pay for half of half of half of a payment. I still have to pay my phone bill and more gas.

I'm twenty one! I'm supposed to be living it up! Y'know? Supposed to be drinking, celebrating life, having fun! Nope. Nope. Nope. Let's also add in the fact that I woke up with a fever again and my throat pain is NOT going away which automatically makes me want to say that it is strep throat. :( The illness of my life! I don't have money to go to the doctor so I guess I'll... I don't know. There really isn't anything I can do. I'll have to let it go until it for sure is something that won't go away.

 I had been spending time with this guy from work. He was very nice and fun to be around. But he automatically assumes that if I don't talk to him when he tries to contact me, that I am back with Spencer. He doesn't care that I'm sick. He freaked out on me because I didn't answer his phone call when my mother was talking to be about school. He ignored me all night and finally texted me around noon today. It truly sickens me- his behavior. How immature and rude. My life is falling apart and he's concerned about himself.

 So, I won't be going to school next semester. Hopefully I can find a well-paying job in the meantime. I need to get the hell away from Mazzio's. I don't get paid that well and they expect way more out of me than is reasonable for my pay. When the girl who sits on the bench when she is bored gets paid the same as me, there is something wrong.

I feel unappreciated. I feel as if I try really hard to make other people happy and yet I get nothing out of it. I try to help others out and be friendly and listen and make an effort to show that somebody cares, but who cares about me? It's like that song-"I'm supergirl and I'm here to save the world, but I wanna know, who's gunna save me?"

 I'm trying so hard to be with Spencer. I love him so much. I try to talk to him and to cuddle with him and to be there for him. He doesn't seem to care. He says he cares. He says he wants to be with me, but I think overall he just pities me. I know he won't miss me when I'm living in the same place as him, but I want to be near him. I want him to be happy with me. I still believe that we are meant to be together. We will get married. We will have a family. We will grow old together. I love him darn it!

So, it seems like things are just falling downhill incredibly quickly. Life will surely look up soon, right? Only so many things can go bad. I don't know how to handle this. I want to be incredibly optimistic. I want to believe that this is my chance to truly prove myself. To show myself that I can and will work for my goal (not that I even know what the heck it is) and not necessarily need anyone's help. I feel like I'm on my own on this one and that's how it'll be. Lots to think about.

Love,
       Lexy